When we talk about dating or courtship as Christians, the first question is not, “What does culture say?” but, “What did God design relationships for?” In Genesis 2:18, God says, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” From the beginning, God made people for relationship. That makes sense, because God Himself exists eternally in relationship within the Trinity. The desire for relationship is not something to be embarrassed about. It is part of how God made us. Scripture even says that “he who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22), and that “a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Proverbs 19:14). Marriage is a gift. At the same time, Genesis 1:27 reminds us that God created mankind “male and female,” so the differences between men and women are intentional, meaningful, and good.
Because of that, the goal of dating or courtship cannot simply be to have fun, feel validated, or enjoy romance in the moment. The goal is much bigger. The goal is to glorify God in the process, because “whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). And if the relationship leads to marriage, the aim is to form another godly family in a covenant relationship that lasts a lifetime. Genesis 2:24 says, “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Marriage is meant to be a covenant, not a casual arrangement. Romans 7:1–3 shows that marriage is binding until death, and Jesus makes clear in Matthew 19:3–9 that divorce is a tragic exception, not something people should enter marriage assuming will happen. If marriage is meant to be lifelong, then the path leading toward it should be approached with seriousness, wisdom, and reverence.
That means Christian dating should look very different from the casual, feelings-driven model that is often presented in the world. Proverbs 19:2 says, “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” The Bible does not describe dating the way modern culture does. It does not encourage us to start with attraction, rush into emotional attachment, and then hope wisdom catches up later. Instead, a godly relationship should be Christ-centered, not self-centered. It should be purposeful, not casual. The point is not simply to find someone who makes you happy today, but to discern whether this is someone with whom you could walk faithfully for decades and become more Christlike together. Eventually beauty fades, so the deeper question is whether this is someone whose life is rooted in Christ.
That is why it is important to move slowly and thoughtfully. A relationship should be protected so that neither person gives their heart away too quickly before there is enough evidence of godliness, maturity, and real compatibility. In every serious relationship, you are beginning to give part of yourself to another person, and that requires sacrifice. Selfishness has to start dying early. Philippians 2:3–4 says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Love is not just about getting someone who meets your needs; it is about learning to serve another person in costly ways. Marriage, if it comes, will ask far more of you than romance ever does.
Because of that, it is wise to enter a relationship slowly, prayerfully, and carefully. James 1:5 says that if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously. Dating should never be rushed. It should be brought before the Lord in prayer. And if it becomes clear that the relationship is not wise or not leading toward marriage, then it is kinder to end it honestly and promptly than to drag it out. The longer a mismatched relationship continues, the more painful and unfair it often becomes for both people. Ending something quickly and kindly can actually be an act of love.
The most important criterion in considering someone is simple and non-negotiable: is this person genuinely a Christian? 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” If Jesus is not at the center for both people, then the relationship is built on a divided foundation. That is why “missionary dating” is not wise. Dating someone in the hope that they might become a Christian later is not the pattern Scripture gives. A person needs to believe the Gospel described in 1 Corinthians 15:3–4—that Christ died for our sins, was buried, and was raised on the third day. If you are unsure whether someone truly knows Christ, that uncertainty itself is a warning sign. Age and race are not the determining issues. Shared faith in Jesus is.
After that, it helps to think in terms of conviction, character, and compatibility. What does this person believe? What kind of person are they becoming? And are you actually able to walk in the same direction together? Scripture acknowledges physical attractiveness—Joseph, for example, is described as handsome in Genesis 39:6—so the Bible does not pretend that outward beauty means nothing. But it clearly teaches that inner character matters much more. 1 Peter 3:3–4 points to “the hidden person of the heart” and says that inward beauty is precious in God’s sight. So the question is not merely, “Am I attracted to this person?” but, “Is this person becoming more like Christ?”
That means looking for the fruit of the Spirit described in Galatians 5:22–23: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It means looking for evidence of sanctification. Is this person in the Word? Are they committed to church? Are they teachable? Do they respond to sin with repentance, humility, and a willingness to seek forgiveness? It also means looking for selflessness rather than selfishness, because Philippians 2:3 calls believers to humility. And the relationship itself should be moving both people toward Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says to “encourage one another and build one another up.” A healthy relationship should do exactly that. It should point both people toward God rather than pulling all attention onto self.
How, then, should you treat the person you are dating? 1 Timothy 5:1–2 gives a powerful principle: younger women are to be treated “as sisters, in all purity,” and the same principle applies both ways. Before this person is a potential spouse, they are first your brother or sister in Christ. That changes everything. You are not dealing with someone to use, consume, experiment with, or manipulate. You are dealing with someone who belongs to the Lord. Your goal should be to treat them with such purity, honesty, and care that if the relationship ends, there is nothing that needs deep apology because you crossed boundaries or used their heart carelessly.
This especially matters in the areas of physical, emotional, and spiritual bonding. Scripture calls believers to holiness in these things. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–8 says that God’s will is our sanctification, that we abstain from sexual immorality, and that no one transgress and wrong a brother or sister in this matter. That means you do not wait until you are in a tempting situation to decide your boundaries. You decide beforehand. Joseph did not negotiate with temptation; he fled from it in Genesis 39. In the same way, a wise Christian decides ahead of time what is and is not appropriate.
You also have to be protective of attachment, because bonding happens over time and can become powerful very quickly. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” And Philippians 2:3–4 reminds us to consider the other person’s good, not just our own desires. That means asking not only, “What do I want?” but, “Is this helping or hurting this other person spiritually and emotionally?” Jesus also makes clear in Matthew 5:28 that lust is not merely an external issue; it is a heart issue. So the standard is not just avoiding obvious outward sin, but cultivating inward purity as well.
That is why physical boundaries matter. The aim should not be to see how close you can get to sin without crossing some imaginary line. The aim should be holiness, wisdom, and love. If a form of affection is awakening desires that do not belong outside of marriage, then it is not wise. A practical guideline is this: if you would not be comfortable with parents or spiritual mentors seeing it, that is probably a sign it does not belong there. The point is not legalism but protection—protection of purity, clarity, and the other person’s soul.
The same wisdom applies emotionally. It is possible to play with someone’s heart long before anything physical happens. Overly romantic messages, highly emotional dependence, or words that communicate deep commitment too early can create false expectations. That is why it is wise to be careful with “lovey-dovey” communication and careful about saying “I love you” before the relationship is truly moving toward engagement. That does not mean you cannot encourage or compliment the other person. It means you should not stir up a level of emotional attachment that you are not yet ready to honor with covenant commitment. Protecting someone’s heart is part of loving them.
All through the process, the question should be: how are you seeking God about this relationship? Are you praying for discernment? Are you asking the Lord for wisdom, clarity, and the courage to obey Him? James 1:5 applies here directly. A Christian should never think about dating as merely a private experiment between two people. It should be something brought before God regularly, with a willingness to listen and obey even if the answer is not what you hoped for.
That is also why wise counsel matters so much. In Scripture, major life decisions are not made in isolation. Families and wise advisors are involved, especially in the selection of a spouse and in preserving the faith from one generation to the next. Proverbs 1:8–9 tells children to hear their father’s instruction and not forsake their mother’s teaching. Ephesians 6:1–3 calls children to honor their father and mother. That does not mean parents are perfect, but it does mean they should not be casually ignored. The culture often says, “Follow your heart,” and peers often give advice without wisdom, experience, or biblical grounding. But Scripture teaches respect for parental counsel and family involvement.
Even in the Old Testament, family participation in marriage decisions is taken seriously. Exodus 22:16–17 shows the father’s meaningful role in the giving of a daughter in marriage. That reminds us that marriage joins families, not just individuals. Part of dating wisely is being willing to invite the perspective of parents and other mature believers early, not only after your heart is already fully entangled. Wise counsel can often see things that infatuation hides.
As the relationship becomes more serious, it is also wise to think ahead about what kind of man or woman each person is becoming. Dating is not just evaluating whether someone is pleasant or attractive. It is asking whether this person is growing into the kind of husband or wife Scripture describes. 1 Peter 3:1–7 gives distinct instruction to wives and husbands. For wives, 1 Peter 3:1–6 highlights noble character, gentle strength, and inner beauty. Proverbs 31:10–31 paints the picture of a woman of noble character whose life is marked by wisdom, diligence, strength, and the fear of the Lord. For husbands, 1 Peter 3:7 calls a man to live with understanding and honor toward his wife. A husband is to imitate Christ, just as 1 Corinthians 11:1 calls believers to imitate godly examples. He is to lead with strength, responsibility, provision, protection, and spiritual seriousness.
This connects to the Bible’s authority structure in the family. Scripture teaches that the Father is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of the husband, and the husband is the head of the wife. Jesus was perfectly obedient to the Father and was sent to give His life for others. In the same way, the husband is under Christ’s authority and is called to love his wife sacrificially. Ephesians 5:25–32 says that husbands are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” That means biblical headship is not about selfish control; it is about costly love, spiritual responsibility, and servant leadership. The wife, in turn, is called to respond with willing support and submission to godly leadership. Properly understood, this is not about superiority or inferiority. It is about God’s design and order, lived out in humility and love.
Finally, the early stages of a relationship matter more than most people realize, because they establish the patterns for what will come later. Is Jesus truly central to the relationship, or is He just mentioned occasionally? Are you helping each other obey Christ, or mostly distracting each other from Him? How do you handle disagreements? Do you respond with humility, honesty, patience, and grace? Have you openly talked about boundaries to avoid temptation? These early habits often become the standards and norms for the future.
In the end, Christian dating is not mainly about finding someone exciting. It is about walking in wisdom before God. It is about seeking someone who shares your faith, displays godly character, and fits with you in a way that could support lifelong covenant faithfulness. It is about treating one another with purity and honor, as brother and sister in Christ. It is about moving slowly, seeking counsel, setting wise boundaries, and keeping Christ at the center. And it is about remembering that marriage is one of the most important decisions a person can make, because it shapes not only your own life, but potentially a future family for the glory of God.
– Based on the book Sex, Dating and Relationships by Gerald Hiestand
James' Mirror - Christian Discipleship Guide 